The past year has been a kind of assessment for me. A path of learning to slow down, to BE in the present instead of rushing on to the next thing and the next thing. I haven't always lived my life with this much intention, focus, looking and feeling. I lived quite a few years numb, unaware, unable to access deeper parts of who I really am. I kept going and going because life was hard and parts of it were excruciatingly painful to navigate.
My memories of when my children were younger are etched in my subconscious mind. Some things I remember vividly and some, well, they seem to have all but vanished. I say often that one of the reasons I can't remember some of the details is because I was always moving at break neck speed, never quiet, never still, never really present in the moment.
Details vary from individual to individual as to the causes for our fast paced living but the bottom line is ALWAYS the same, pain. If we stop long enough and intentionally tune out every distraction, we have to BE WITH ourselves. Quieting long enough to actually become aware of what you're feeling and then paying attention to what you do next is not something that happens automatically. So many things vie for our time and attention and that doesn't include having a phone in your hand with contacts and pictures and blog posts. There was no social media when I was raising my girls, but there were still numerous distractions. There is always one more THING that needs to be DONE.
This journey of discovery and healing and freedom, has been incredibly painful and incredibly beautiful and good at the same time. Nothing is permanent. Nothing lasts. Life is always changing.
A year ago today my family dynamic changed forever. The picture below is what life looked like 26 years ago. These little people were ages 2 and 4 and 4 They are cousins and best friends. I have dozens and dozens of pictures just like this one, all three of "the girls" as we referred to them together somewhere doing something. These girls laughed and screamed and didn't sleep and made messes and rode bikes and blew out candles and gathered Halloween candy and took pictures and did cheers. Oh my...the memories go on and on. I can't count the number of times I said "if you girls don't quiet down, I'm going to pull this van over and... and I'd go back in a minute because it was all so beautiful. I didn't see the beauty at the time, I was so overwhelmed with the details of getting things done that I missed parts of it.
This year, I have intentionally chosen to sit with my grief and pain. I've allowed the pain to shape me. I've asked myself hard questions and I have cried tears and tears remembering so many things. But, I am a better human for having lived the last year. When the hard, painful losses come into our lives we make choices about our journey. We can buck up, toughen up, keep on going and harden our hearts OR we can chose to FEEL what we're feeling. It won't be easy. It won't be neat or predictable. But it will be Beautiful!
Always in our heart
Chasity Dawn Shingleton
2/26/88 - 1/28/17
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