Images

Two people, two persons to blame.  Is that a perception in most cases where a marriage disolves?  Seems like if there are two people in the relationship, there are two people who bear the responsibility of maintaining the relationship.  It's sad to me that often one person is left feeling as if he/she failed in some way to keep it together.  Could the phrase "it is what it is" apply?

Moving through a divorce was NOT a part of my plan, ever.  I had every intention of my marriage being "till death do us part".  I believe when we said our vows before God and the minister in 1985 my ex-husband was of the same mind.  Divorce wasn't his plan either.  However, our ideas of what "happily ever after" looked like were very different, we just weren't aware of that difference at that point.

I remember when I first became acquainted with my ex-husband's family.  They were the ones who lived in the two story white house with black shutters complete with a white picket fence.  Their well maintained yard was where lots of neighborhood kids congreated in the 60's and 70's to play football or basketball or spot light.  His dad was the President of the bank in our small town. I remember going there with my mother as a little girl and this kind man giving my brother and I a stick of Doublemint gum.  Those were the days, am I right?

My perception of the "perfect family" was, of course, not real.  But the picture painted in my mind's eye was the life I dreamed of having one day when I "found Mr. Right".  Can you hear where this is going?  I was young and niave and looking for a deep need to be met outside of myself.  I was all kinds of messy human looking to connect to the opposite of my too dependent self and, guess what, that's what I found.  The energy I was putting out into the world attracted my opposite in every possible unhealthy way.

Back when I was chewing gum from the kind bank president, I could not even imagine him being my father-in-law, it just wasn't even a possibility, until it was.  Fast forward 10 or 12 years and I'm there, except I never "felt" there.  Does that make any sense?  If I've lost you, maybe just quit reading right now because I'm not sure this is for you. :)  I had the last name and all the people connected to it and eventually I even ended up LIVING in the big white house (sans the picket fence), but it wasn't enough.  Why?  Because I didn't believe I was enough, among other things.

The image is never enough because the image is just that, an image.  It isn't real.  The image in my Cinderella dream wasn't real, the image of the perfect family wasn't real and the image put forth before we were married, wasn't real.  The only way to discover real is to connect to real and that wasn't a possibility for either of us because neither of us really knew WHO we were, apart from the image.

So much of our human culture is posturing this curated image of who we believe we need to be or are supposed to be in order to get what we want; love, acceptance, value. This posturing begins early in childhood as we create ways of belonging  in our families of origin. Then throw us into a wider culture of other humans in schools and neighborhoods and the image building continues into adulthood.

So, what should we do about the image?  Crush it or allow it fall away as it begins to crumble?  I don't know many people who want to willingly submit themselves to "crushing" because we all know that crushing involves pain.  We tend to avoid anything painful and certainly aren't excited to place ourselves (our curated image) on an alter to be crushed.  But isn't that the example Jesus lived for us?  Allowing himself to be "sacrificed" in order to bring forth, resurrect, new life?  And what about the sweetness of wine after the grapes have been crushed?  And remember the parables of the seeds and how dropping a seed into the dark where it is crushed is the only way to bring forth the fruit it was designed to bear?

The past few years, working through all the images I had curated has been interesting to say the least.  I'm not sure if anyone else notices the difference when we are together but I sure do.  The anxiety I felt on the inside, the worring I did when I was in the presence of others, the wondering "am I good enough", "do I belong" has all but evaporated.  What's left is this sweet peace and confidence in knowing that no matter where I am, that's where I belong.  Comparrision, Competition and Not Measuring Up have been pushed to the back seat along with fear and doubt.  That doesn't mean they won't try to creap back to the front and even attempt to take the steering wheel, but now I'm more aware of what triggers their movement and what I need to do to take care of my Self.

I have no regrets on this journey.  It has been so incredible to witness the falling away of the old and the resurrecting of the new, over and over again.  I am amazed every time at what is revealed when I am willing to look deep into the dark.  The dark...that's where the stars shine the brightest, have you ever considered that?