Vulnerability

I listened to a podcast yesterday about nutrition wherein the woman being interviewed told a part of her story that she "seldom reveals" in her nutrition counseling with private clients or talks about publically on social media.  She admitted that she should include that part of her story more often because it is a key part of her journey.  As I listened to her speak, I automatically knew WHY she didn't share.  It's the same reason I don't share all of my thoughts here on this blog.  I write daily but seldom put my thoughts out here because I don't want to be judged, criticized or rejected because of what I write.

Vulnerability is something I talk about in my private conversations and it's something I practice on a regular basis with the people in my smaller circle of friends.  Opening ourselves up, sharing our deepest fears and intimate parts of ourselves can be so scary.  There are lots of questions looming about what others will say or think or conclude about us IF we put it all out there.

I want to be liked and loved and so I dance around what to write here because someone might not like what I have to say or may disagree or may think less of me if they "knew_______".   I don't blog more because of fear of rejection.  I say with my mouth that the approval of people doesn't control me but if I'm not writing because of what others might think or say about me behind my back, then I am being controlled by fear and the opinion of others.  I've been moving from my head to my heart to my body for a while now and it's been a difficult process.  As an Enneagram Type 6 I'm in my head ALOT and everything stays nice and neatly labeled and categorized in there.  But when it comes down to where the rubber meets the road and I need to move into my body and "practice what I preach" it becomes a whole nother animal...a big scary monster actually.

Part of living my true identity as a daughter of God involves being honest about how my life has been shaped by the experiences I've had along the way.  Some of those experiences have been extremely painful, some filled with joy but BOTH the pain and the joy have helped to shape what I believe about this life.  Not who I am, but what I believe and perceive about life here on this earth and how I live it.

 I am not this body, I am not my feelings or emotions.  The Body I live in is a shell that contains the soul of a beautiful daughter of God who desperately desires to be fully known and loved just as I am.  I am not what I do or what others have done to me.  Those experiences shaped my perception of life but they don't define me.  I am responsible for my behaviors but my behaviors do not label me as "Failure" or "Success" because we all experience BOTH of these scenarios.  Perception is a weird and crazy thing in this life.  Our perception of what it means to be a success or a failure is all jacked up. A friend told me recently I needed to throw the word failure out of my vocabulary.  For a recovering perfectionist who has believed for lots and lots of years that there is a "right" way to do things and a "wrong" way to do things, that is a tall order.  But I believe her advice is helpful.

Believing that there is a "perfect" or "right" way to live life creates LOTS of issues for myself and others. Division is caused when anyone doesn't live their life according to MY STANDARD or perception of right and wrong.  I "judge" them as less valuable instead of simply different and still worthy of love and acceptance and valuable in this life. That attitude places me ABOVE others on some days and BELOW them on others, depending on my actions.

I haven't quite figured out when and where these superior, I know what you need, let me tell you how to do it better, my faith practices are superior and here's why attitude came from. I don't need to identify when and where to see that it has permeated most of my life.  I will say that the places that I chose to worship affirmed this attitude over and over to varying degrees.  Affirming judgment as correct and even necessary to maintain a sense of order because God is a God of order, just doesn't jive with the reckless love of Jesus I read about in the Bible. 

So, here's to vulnerability, to saying what I think instead of shrinking back because someone I like or love might be "offended" if we don't agree.  Here's to diversity and beauty that cannot be contained in a box made of human hands.  Here's to a BIG God who loves EVERYONE regardless of how they come to him.  Here's getting it, not "getting it right".  Here's to finding your true Self, not the image created to maintain security and a following. Here's to REAL Worship not the worship of man or an image molded before your eyes that isn't really valuable to you at all.  Here's to thinking for yourself and following YOUR journey even when others don't agree.  Here's to living for an audience of ONE.