Give Yourself Credit

 YOU did that!

YOU accomplished the thing

(however imperfectly - remember, "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful")

YOU made that decision

(even if you waffled back and forth and were uncertain and fearful)

YOU stood up for yourself

And Said "No More"

(or at least not this time)

YOU took one step in a new direction

(and then maybe a few steps backward too)

BE PROUD

of what YOU have accomplished

(practice makes progress, little by little)

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT

for doing the 

HARD WORK

 of changing your life

(even when it's simply walking the steps instead of taking the elevator)

Of course, you had help along the way but 

NO ONE RESCUED YOU

YOU changed your life

YOU changed your thoughts and behaviors

YOU chose therapy for support while navigating

all the hard things that were out of your control

YOU are doing Great!!

And I am PROUD of you!

This Little Light of Mine

 

you carry light into the darkness.

a soft glow

radiant beauty

fiery passion

fully present but

desiring to run

afraid of the dark

you choose to stay

and then a whisper

 "light dispels darkness"

you carry hope

life imagined

free abundant pure

gold tried in the fire

adversity overcome

wounded heart made whole

you carry dreams

of unimaginable depth

yearning for freedom

peace, joy & love

all else pales in comparrison

to the light in your heart

and yet the question remains:

"will I be swallowed by the darkness?"

NEVER!

the light

that burns in the heart of the beloved

glows eternal

Birth Pains

 

I want to “be happy”.  I AM happy most of the time.  

Our humanity embraces both, joy and sorrow.

Things shift, I lose my balance. 

A wave of emotion, arises like a wave of the ocean.  

Fear, a familiar friend, a deep soul sister who has graced what seems like the entirety of my life.  

Sand and water dripping through my fingers, like those drippy castles I made with my girls back in the early years.   

Experiences providing opportunities for looking, asking, befriending what's present in the moment. 

Grounded, connected to Love, these times flow with ease and grace.

Can I be with, bear witness to the pain?

Disconnected from the truth of who I am, I spiral into a giant ocean of possibilities.

Fear threatens: “You could drown!”  

Love soothes:  “You’ve been here before.  Soften around the tension. Remember to breathe. Release your grip.  Make space. You are Safe.” 

Reminds me of child birth. 

The expanding, stretching belly, making room for new life to grow.

Then laboring, squeezing, tightening and then reprieve, for the moment.  

Uncontrollable, it rises from the deepest recesses, preparing to deliver.

Another wave, and another, each more intense than the last.

Until the gift.  

Our greatest gifts, our greatest pain.

All new life begins this way.  

Wednesday Word - "SHINE"

I love this picture. So many things bring me joy but people and children are my favorite. Look how tiny she was and her mouth is opened, of course, because from birth this little sprite had lots of words. I am often told "she gets it from you"! 😂😂 Funny thing, I never saw myself with as much spunk and sparkle as this little human exhibits. She KNOWS who she is and what she loves and has BIG DREAMS...that didn't describe me as a child or even as a grown ass woman for many years. Others may have been able to see those qualities but I was blind to the beauty I carried INSIDE.

I believed lots of lies, some of which were told from places and people I trusted and believed were "right". I didn't trust my own heart, having been told over and over it was "desperately wicked". That twisting spirit of separation, separated me from my true SELF, the one we're born with, the one you see in the picture of this tiny perfect human.

I was inadvertently pressed down into a box of someone else's making. "they" didn't know what they were doing. They believed they were right and had the answers to all the "how should we live as Christians" answers. All the while I was in the box of safety and certainty. I was so comfortable, I didn't even know I was in a dark drab cardboard box. I thought I was living in freedom, probably because that's what they told me freedom looked like.

I began stepping out of the boxes and healing my heart about the same time this picture was taken, a little over 9 years ago. It's been a long journey to where I am today and the "becoming new" won't stop until I draw my last breath. I still struggle and stumble and have days when I don't love myself or others well but I'm still moving, slowly, one step at a time, doing the work of recovery.

I share these words and this picture to remind myself and you that we are ALL capable of change and growth. Living things, they grow and change and die and are reborn, over and over again. NOTHING stays the same and THAT's the way our lives are supposed to be. We were created to explore, discover, uncover and become more of who we started out as, when we were born into this crazy human experience.

What if we all believed in the Shine Theory? What would it be like to live out that truth!! There CANNOT be too much light!! Can there? Why should we dim our light? Or why would we try to turn out or cover up the light of others? So we'll shine brighter??...NOT EVEN POSSIBLE!

Shine on humans....be BIG and SASSY and SHINE your light and don't let anyone tell you what that is supposed to look like.

This Wednesday Word is brought to you by me, recovering control freak, perfectionist, approval junkie, pushing against the norms of conventional Christianity because it's been keeping us Safe and Comfortable for far too long.

You're welcome!

You ARE seen!

Over the past 7 years of being "on my own", I've been lonely and felt "unseen" at times.  This emotion is based on the limiting belief that if I had a particule "person" of my own, I would feel seen and loved and have a place to "belong".

Not long ago I heard a quiet voice whisper, "no matter where you are, that's where you belong".  I received those words and stored them up.  When I remember them, they soothe the longings, until the next wave of situations rise up in an attempt to cripple me along the way.

The social distancing for those of us who are living by ourselves has a unique sting and is partiular to our situations, traumas, harm and grief inducing losses.  Maybe that is the case for all of us, I'm not sure.  It definitely holds truth for me.

Since this pandemic started, I've been up and down, back and forth, tossed and turned as I attempt to surf the tidal waves of my own experiences amid thoughts and emotions demanding to be felt.

I want to share that I have also experienced the love of my creator in the most amazing and unimagined ways since this began in March.

The FIRST episode of my feeling SEEN and LOVED came when I went to an Open House on February 23.  I had no idea this particular house was even for sale, let alone Open for viewing.  My dear friend stopped by on a prompting from her own heart whisperer because I had left my coffee tumbler in her car the day before.  Her words "I was really tired and wasn't going to stop but then I had this thought, 'tomorrow is Monday and this might be the only coffee tumbler she has, she may need it'".  That's how I found out about the Open House, through a whisper.

The two of us headed to the house, which was 3 blocks from where I was currently renting, and went inside.  The minute we walked in she exclaimed, "This is YOUR house".  Completely stunned by her commentary, I replied that this old house was way out of my price range and most definitely not MY house. 

As we stepped into the kitchen I saw a gas stove.  It was a tender reminder of a the dream I've held in my heart for over 20 years.  We continued through the house and out into the back yard.  Item after item that I had been dreaming about was laid out right in front of me.  Raised beds, check.  An herb garden, check.  A patio area for a fire pit, check.  A garden shed, check.  Brand new windows and a completely remodeled older home in my small town with a front porch for sitting and rocking, check check check.  And bonus, a doggie door for Mr. Charles Bingley ("Charlie").

The other desire I had was for a space to offer on AirBNB and this property had a three car garage apartment with an attached "shop" area.  The apartment space is huge, in need of TLC but EXACTLY what I'd been dreaming about for months.  Long story short, I took a risk on a house I could definitely NOT SEE how I was going to afford and made an offer.  I literally jumped into the unknown!  I closed on the house in 29 days, which is NUTS even under the best of circumstances.  All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place as if this house was MEANT for me, had been there all along, just waiting for me.  As I stood in the shower for the very first time after moving, I couldn't help feel like I was living someone else's life.  Was this a dream?  It certainly felt like one.

All those little deatils helped me BELIEVE that God SAW ME and LOVED ME and was providing all of my hearts' desires, in a VERY TANGIBLE WAY.

Fast forward a couple weeks, all the social distancing, the disruption of one of my most intimate relationships, lots of unsettling in the seen and unseen realms and my body reminds my mind of the ways I've been harmed in the past and my emotions get right on that train headed for a dark place.  I'd like to be able to say that those trains of thought never come up, but that wouldn't be my truth.

And, of course,  that's not the end of the story, because it never is when we're willing to be open and receive the new and release the tattered and torn hand-me-downs of the past. 

As a reminder to my ever forgetful self, two more gifts were delivered from unexpected sources in the past two weeks.  One is so extravagant I can hardly accept because in my mind I have done nothing worthy of such a glamorous treat.  And again today, a new co-worker drops off a special house warming gift.  In the personally initialed basket she delivered were many little treasures.  Among them was exact salad bowl and tongs I had seen at Target a few weeks ago.  I didn't purchase those for myself at the time because, well because I was afraid if I bought something I wanted I wouldn't have money to do the things I need to do at this house that I bought.  Fear held my wallet in check. I know, it makes perfect logical sense. :)

It is not lost on me WHY I can't grasp the Abundance of Life that is available to all of us children, not just the "chosen few".  I was brain washed, innoculated with a false Gospel and told many half truths (the most dangerous lie) in these 50 something years. Those lies took root at an early age in a soft and tender little lamb heart ready to receive all.the.things given with the label of Truth and spoken by the special servants of the Most High.

No one is to blame and yet there are reasons and systems and people who have contributed to the pressing down of the soft tender shoots so as to squash the life right out of them.  I should know.  I used to be one of the "squashers", the fun suckers, the perfect police, the do shoulders and the critics. 

Thankfully, those false ways of living are in the past, burned up in the hell I had to pay to get here.

The price of Freedom is costly and the terraine is treacherous but the rewards are sweet and worth every messy and beautiful moment. 

Those of us who have untethered ourselves and opened to the unfathomable reality of abundance are experiencing it, first hand, right before our eyes. We have expanded, leveled up, moved into new spaces, figuratively and literally.  Believe it or not, there are more than enough gifts for whoever is willing to turn from their idol worship and look inward to discvoer the hooks frozen in their heart.  The stoney hearts hold their own poison and lead others down the straight and narrow being careful to avoid the slippery slopes.  Disguised with words like safe, certain, and systematic the little lambs walk slowly into the slaughter of comsumption and group think, never batting an eye as they are sheared of their individuality and labeled "for the master's use".  But who is the Master? 

As for me, I've replaced the Power Over in my own life with a more liberating mutuality, always warey of the ones who tout they know the Way that is best for everyone.  And it's all good.  There is purpose and reasons for it all.  Maybe I would not know how to speak of freedom if I had not been bound.  The contrast reveals the beauty, always. 

And so we journey on, into the next space, the next season, the next thing we are to experience, knowing there is always beauty to be mined in this world full to the brim with possibilities!

xo

Remembering

I wrote this blog post exactly THREE years ago.  

Things have changed quite a bit over the past years, as they always do.  We grow older, people who were in our lives are no longer and new ones enter.  The spaces left are sometimes never filled completely, the impint remains as a reminder.  Memories,  some you long to recreate and some you wish were never a part of the story, the light and the shadow, both.

Chasity was both, as I am both, light and shadow.  

 I keep my shadowy parts in check for the most part, posturing and tucking and hiding my humanity as best I can.

My desire to live in the present moment where the true living is experienced keeps me from going to the past on any regular day.  Regret becons, as do guilt and shame.  I greet them and bid them good day.  But, on days like today, revisiting is a given, a choice to remember. 

The squeezing in my chest reminds me of the absence and the imprint that will forever remain. Tears well behind my eyes and after I've felt the sadness, I turn to the happiest memories.  The ones we capture with a flash and a smile and I'll never forget the ways our lives are changed because she was here with us, laughing, living and dying.

Why I Noonday

In March I began a new journey with a socially responsible business called Noonday Collection.  I won't go into all the details of what Noonday is, you'll have to attend or Hostess a Trunk Show for that information (insert wink here).

"When I look across the globe I don't see a stranger,

I see myself"

That's the first statement in our Noonday Ambassador Manifesto.  When I read our April Artisan Story and met Sunita I connected to her heart right away.  Make sure to click the link above and read her story of transformation.

Every story is unique.  Until you are reminded of where you once were and how you've worked and changed and scratched your way into a new space of time, you don't really think much about how you lived in the past.  I had to gain some ground before I could look back and really see how far I've come.  Today, I have a good job that supports me and by the end of this year, I will be totally supporting myself for the first time in over 30 years.  God has provided ways for me to step into a life where I feel I have power over the decisions I make, I have power to determine how I spend my money, I get to decide when I go to sleep and when I get up and how and who I allow to be a part of my every day life.  THIS is freedom.  THIS is WHY I Noonday.  God has helped me harness the power that was within me all along and step into a Life I Love and I want to walk alongside and give that same opportunity to women here in West Virginia AND across the globe.

Starting my own business was never, ever a part of my original plan.  I don't think I really believed I could do it, be totally responsible for myself.  There are lots of reasons for my limited thinking and the beliefs I had about myself and women in general, but I won't go into those here.  For now, know that YOU CAN do anything you set your mind to do, even if you have no idea today what that might look like. Just take the first step out and trust, let go of _____, believe you CAN and then, 

DO THE WORK!  

The life you want isn't gonna just fall into your lap and no prince on a white horse is gonna come rescue you from behind the stone walls you've built.  My advice, find a trusted friend, tell her all the things and then take the first step.  You do not have to remain where you are but it will take tenacity and doing hard things go get to a new place.  You have everything IN YOU that you need to create a life you absolutely adore.  A life that makes you Happy!  

P.S. It's Okay to Be Happy Here!

Lovable? Yes, You Are

"She was loved not because she is lovable but because God is loving"  

Proverbs 23:7 states:  as a man (or woman) thinks in his/her heart, so is he/she.  So if you believe that you are "unlovable" then you will strive and perform and search for the approval of people, especially those in authority, to give you value.

When you believe you aren't lovable, you'll doubt yourself unless you have applause. 

When you believe you aren't lovable, you'll compare yourself to others

and complete for the position of "accepted and valuable"

the coveted prize handed down by the few who set the image standard

When you believe you aren't lovable you'll FEAR all the time

You'll worry you aren't good enough and be

anxious that they'll see your humanness so you'll craft images to hide it.

 And when you fail, you'll believe you're less than others.  

You won't know you're perfect just the way you are and loved because of 

who you are not because of what you do or how you appear (image).

Would a father tell his daughter she isn't lovable?  I can't imagine a good, whole hearted man who would ever tell his daughter she wasn't lovable.

As I read the words in quotes above, my heart twists and grieves for those who buy into such a philosophy. Not so long ago, I fell into that category, the one who doesn't know she is lovable.  The basis of this thinking? God is good but I am not.  God loves me because of who He is not because of who I am.  I am his creation but I'm not lovable...that makes no logical sense.

I'm not sure how this gets all twisted up in our hearts.  Maybe it comes from the idea that we humans are bad, born bad.  Not that we're born human but born bad.  That's not what Genesis says, it says God created and called what he had created good.  And further states that the human he breathed the breath of life into was very good.

Have you ever looked at a baby straight from the womb?  Have you ever just stared intently at the soft pink skin, the tiny fingers and toes and even smaller finger nails and marveled at the goodness of it?  Those tiny humans, they're good, very good.  They are magnificent creatures, born into a world that's all twisted up.  Babies know from whence they've come, that they are "born of love".  It's the adults who have forgotten.  We've forgotten that we are created in love, born in love and always and forever loved fully, completely accepted and valuable.

I've been on a journey back, back to the beginning, back to find my true Self, the one who is made from love, the one created in the image of God.  The image of man is empty.  The images we curate to help us make sense of our world, to keep us safe and in demand, you know the ones.  They're the Fear images.  They show up at gatherings of other humans all spit shined, ready to do all the things that garner approval and please all the other people while neglecting themselves.  They serve on committees and tell the jokes and cook the food and clean the things and keep the children in line and are never tired, seemingly and in need of nothing.  But that's not WHO we are because we've forgotten that we are not what we DO or WEAR or MAKE or HAVE.  Our identity is none of those things.  Our identity is Love.  We've simply forgotten.

But, what we believe in our heart about who we are will definitely play out in our every day.  Believing we're not good enough, not lovable will keep us striving and working, trying to earn instead of resting, abiding with God in the love from which we were created.

There is a shift happening.  The opening of the eyes of the blind and the ears of the deaf.  Jesus said, He who has ears to hear let him hear.  I don't think we're listening to the right voice.  I know I wasn't.  I had been conditioned since childhood to listen to the voice of a man outside of myself instead of the voice of God IN me.  I trusted the humans outside of myself to tell me what I needed to do and how I should be spending my time and money and living my one life instead of listening to the voice in me.  I was told so many half truths that it's taken a lot of years and some very intensive work in my heart/mind for me to really believe that I am loved and lovable.  The untangling and the opening of my heart to love is an amazing journey with God.

I felt compelled to share my thoughts here, not because I want to debate or try to convince you of anything.  That's not my place, not my calling.  Why? Well, because I'm not God.  I desire to tell a different story and I offer it here.  If it resonates with you, great.  Maybe you will begin to believe that you are lovable, fully and deeply loved as you are.  You don't have to earn anything, you can just BE without DOing a single thing and you are lovable right now.  You delight God to the point that He sings over you.  I'm not sure God would sing over his creation that he didn't consider lovable.

she believed in her heart that she was lovely and she was.

the love radiated from a heart, broken open and put back together again.

she was so filled up with love for herself and all of creation

 that it spilled out onto everyone she came into contact with.

fear and anxiety got out of the way because perfect love casts out fear

the love never ran out and never ran low and she blossomed and bloomed

into a sweet smelling garden of everything she was intended to be from the beginning

we need not compare or compete to be lovely

we need not show up as an image of perfect to be lovable

we need not fear showing our humanness

we need not wear ourselves out with the working

we ARE lovable

just as we are in this moment.

God is more than loving, God IS Love and we are created in HIS image.

1 John 4

Two Years To The Day

I'll never forget that phone call, where I was, what I was doing.  I can see it in my mind's eye.  What we all feared was inevitable if something didn't change.  What could we do?  Almost nothing.

A few months ago over lunch, a friend spoke these words, "there was nothing you could have done to change a thing".  As tears spilled over and streaked my face, I was fully aware of what she was saying.  It was out of my control. The choice to use was hers, is mine.

It comes at the most unexpected times.  Today, on the date anniversary, I've been "fine".  Last week, it crept in like a dark cloud, overshadowing every detail of my day.  I felt it, thick, all encompassing, pressing into my heart.  I didn't know at the time what it was.  As I sat and asked the Spirit what was happening, I heard it, Grief.

When I shared with a friend at work she said "grief from an out of order death is different".  Disordered, meaning I should have passed before she did, it was out of the regular order of things.  I have processed other types of loss, including my Dad's passing but I have never experienced anything similar to the dark shadows of this type of grief.

For many years I buried all the "bad" emotions, kept silent, pushed them down trying to avoid feeling the pain.  Or I kept busy, going fast, filling my days with activities to distract, always having something playing in my ears, avoiding the quiet so I wouldn't have to feel.  Of course, I wasn't aware at the time.  My yoga practices have provided a new way, a better way.  A way that doesn't cause my body to hold the toxic energy of loss, disappointment, regret, or any other emotion that could settle into my body and cause dis-ease.  Sitting with the emotion, acknowledging it's presence, greeting it even, and releasing it is my process now.  This requires intention, making space to feel and a time of quiet.  Sitting still and allowing the pain to rise to the surface so it can be released.  This process is simple but never easy.  I resist the pain, avoid the quiet.  In the end, it always produces the most glorious reward.  A pouring out, usually through the ducts in my eyes.  And then resignation.  It is what it is.  No judgment, no commentary, no what if's.

Today, I honor the memory of Chasity Dawn Shingleton.  It goes without saying we miss her presence in our family and wonder how and why the beast that is addiction stole her away.  It was a slow fade, one we bore witness to and had no idea how to enter.  We did the best we could.  That's really the point, isn't it?  We're all just doing the best we can.

Perspective

It's November as I write these words on a cold, sunny Sunday.  I'm up early with coffee and lengthy phrases swirling in my head.  I come to my usual spot to think and meditate and happen to glance to the left instead of the right as I get myself situated on my yoga mat.  I grab my mug of chocolatey caffeine goodness and the view outside my second story window reveals the most wonderful golden orange colors on the tree to the left.  Just last week I  took a picture of a tree from the same window but from a slightly different perspective.  That photo showed a tree barren of it's color, all of the beautiful red leaves were gone.  All had dropped in a wind storm and the tree was now completely bare, brown and, in my opinion, sad. I longed for more colorful Fall beauty.

It was no accident that I should see the lovely golden orange colors of another tree simply because I was seated at a different angle.  When I saw the beauty of those leaves, my mind immediately went to the bare tree just a few feet away and how I had longed for more and felt the ever present pang of never enough.

God has been so gracious to remind me over and over that I live in a new way, an abundant life.  I live in the kingdom being formed by the One who is enough, who promises his children will be blessed and is leading them into the Promised Land.

I am thankful today as I sit and ponder how He shows up over and over, reminding us that He sees and cares.  The provision might seem ordinary and of little insignificace to some but these reminders of his New Covenant of Love and constant presence cause my soul to sing.  The "withness" that I long for is always available.  I simply need to slow and notice God speaking love to me in the unique and tender way that resonates deeply in my heart.  Today, that experience is noticing a tree and hearing whispers of hope and love.  "See, there are more leaves, there is more than enough, there is plenty!"

I could continue to look longingly at the former tree that had lost all its leaves or I could enjoy another view, a different perspective.  The different view was a picture of hope to my somewhat always anticipating the loss self.  There are roots to this negative perspective that I seem to fight on a regular basis, but I'm doing the work. I'm pulling out the weed roots and have planted lots of positive seeds in my heart garden.

As I slow and listen and just be with myself and God, he reminds me of these things.  His whisper of abundance and always enough rings out as I sit and ponder where I've been and all the small and big ways He has led me out of the desert.  There have been many Red Sea Roads on my journey from scarcity to abundance.  This freedom song my heart sings has been a hard fought battle with old ways, negative thought patterns and a body that continues to be challenged to move through life remembering that I am a new creation and the old is passing away.  No longer a slave to the law, no longer dependent on the blood of goats and lambs, no longer wandering in a wilderness but living in the lush green pastures of the Promised Land.  A land flowing with milk and honey and every sweet thing my heart longs for.  I simply need to slow down long enough to taste and see.  Knowing about God is not the same as experiencing God's unique love in my small every day moments.  Doctrine and dogma never caused me to feel or live as if I were loved.  Noticing the leaves on the tree this morning does.

Invitation

My niece is getting married on November 4 which is just a couple of weeks away.  She is my brother's middle daughter.  I received a save the date magnet but I have yet to receive my personal invitation to her wedding.  She actually texted to ask my new address because I moved this summer so I was expecting to get my Official Invite in the snail mail.  I've gone to the mail box on a regular basis over the past several weeks, nothing.  I even called the local post office to see if perhaps some of my mail had gotten stuck at the post office.  Maybe the postal carrier thinks no one lives in my house.  I finally got a wreath on the door, a welcome mat and some mums out so surely when he/she passes by my residence they know someone lives there.  But so far no Invitation.

This wedding is a celebration and I know I'm invited to participate because I am, after all, the Father of the Bride's sister.  But there's nigling thought in the back of my mind that says until I receive the "Official Invite", I'm not really invited.

Have you ever felt that?  Knowing you're a part of the family and welcome to participate but deeply desiring an official invitation to join the celebration of life happening outside the four walls of your safe and cozy box?

When I observe the beauty evident in other humans showing up and the unique ways they are making art and offering that creative part of themselves to the world, I look back at myself and fear I am not enough.  I believe that my particular uniquness is boring, plain, simple, uninteresting.  I don't feel at all welcomed or invited, I feel inadequate.

I want to share my heart with people, right here in this small space on the blogesphere and outside the four walls of this computer screen.  You know what stops me?  Lies.  Perfection and Fear of Failure (two sides of the same coin).  Believing that no one really wants what I have to offer.  Showing up can be terrifying.  When you put yourself and your work out into the world you take a big risk of being evaluated, critiqued, judged and possibly rejected...yuck!

Moving from believing truth in my head to actually living in the free spaces is probably the most challenging part of this healing journey.  It's incredibly frustrating to know in your head that you're standing in your own way but not see with enough clarity or understand what it means physically to move. 

I'm a visionary, a top down thinker and identify most closely with the head triad of the Enneagram.  Translation:  I'm stuck in my head envisioning all these beautiful things and I don't have a clue how to move forward.  I get lost in all those details and then never make it to the end goal.  Becoming aware of these tendencies in myself has been extremely helpful.  I know I need an administrative type person to help me navigate the details and hold my feet to the fire. 

Since I know I need a plan as well as accountability and prefer to have a team atmosphere, the most logical solution was to gather some people.  So, I hired a life coach.  Outside of paying to see a counselor, this has been one of the best investments I've made thus far.  Karen brings a fresh perspective to my situations.  She isn't emotionally or physically invested in any decision I make so she is completely impartial and unbiased.  She listens and helps me process and together we come up with a plan to implement that will move me forward toward the goals we've identified.  And I was pleasantly suprised at the rates for a life coach, very manageable. 

Change requires us to identify the work that needs to be done and then move towards it.  If you have a desire, God has placed that in your heart so that you can reflect his beauty to all the other humans who are also invited.  Won't you join me?  The road can be rocky, but we have everything we need in us to do the work, we just have to decide that we're worth it!  And whether you believe that your not, you are! 

If you've happened upon this blog post and resonated with any of the things I've written here, I hope you will believe me when I say, "You're Invited".  Please consider this your official invite to get out of your comfortable box, spend a little money if you need to, and offer your unique beauty to the world around you, at your work place, in your neighborhood.  And if your first response upon reading that sentence was "I can't", here's your first assignment, should you choose to accept it:  Repeat after me, "I CAN". 

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song, because music is a form of art and these words are beautiful and helpful.  I hope they encourage you wherever you are to take one step out. 

I Hope You'll Dance

Songwriters: Tia Sillers / Mark Sanders

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'

Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'

Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)

I hope you dance

I hope you dance (Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)

I hope you dance (Where those years have gone?)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)

I hope you dance (Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder?)

Images

Two people, two persons to blame.  Is that a perception in most cases where a marriage disolves?  Seems like if there are two people in the relationship, there are two people who bear the responsibility of maintaining the relationship.  It's sad to me that often one person is left feeling as if he/she failed in some way to keep it together.  Could the phrase "it is what it is" apply?

Moving through a divorce was NOT a part of my plan, ever.  I had every intention of my marriage being "till death do us part".  I believe when we said our vows before God and the minister in 1985 my ex-husband was of the same mind.  Divorce wasn't his plan either.  However, our ideas of what "happily ever after" looked like were very different, we just weren't aware of that difference at that point.

I remember when I first became acquainted with my ex-husband's family.  They were the ones who lived in the two story white house with black shutters complete with a white picket fence.  Their well maintained yard was where lots of neighborhood kids congreated in the 60's and 70's to play football or basketball or spot light.  His dad was the President of the bank in our small town. I remember going there with my mother as a little girl and this kind man giving my brother and I a stick of Doublemint gum.  Those were the days, am I right?

My perception of the "perfect family" was, of course, not real.  But the picture painted in my mind's eye was the life I dreamed of having one day when I "found Mr. Right".  Can you hear where this is going?  I was young and niave and looking for a deep need to be met outside of myself.  I was all kinds of messy human looking to connect to the opposite of my too dependent self and, guess what, that's what I found.  The energy I was putting out into the world attracted my opposite in every possible unhealthy way.

Back when I was chewing gum from the kind bank president, I could not even imagine him being my father-in-law, it just wasn't even a possibility, until it was.  Fast forward 10 or 12 years and I'm there, except I never "felt" there.  Does that make any sense?  If I've lost you, maybe just quit reading right now because I'm not sure this is for you. :)  I had the last name and all the people connected to it and eventually I even ended up LIVING in the big white house (sans the picket fence), but it wasn't enough.  Why?  Because I didn't believe I was enough, among other things.

The image is never enough because the image is just that, an image.  It isn't real.  The image in my Cinderella dream wasn't real, the image of the perfect family wasn't real and the image put forth before we were married, wasn't real.  The only way to discover real is to connect to real and that wasn't a possibility for either of us because neither of us really knew WHO we were, apart from the image.

So much of our human culture is posturing this curated image of who we believe we need to be or are supposed to be in order to get what we want; love, acceptance, value. This posturing begins early in childhood as we create ways of belonging  in our families of origin. Then throw us into a wider culture of other humans in schools and neighborhoods and the image building continues into adulthood.

So, what should we do about the image?  Crush it or allow it fall away as it begins to crumble?  I don't know many people who want to willingly submit themselves to "crushing" because we all know that crushing involves pain.  We tend to avoid anything painful and certainly aren't excited to place ourselves (our curated image) on an alter to be crushed.  But isn't that the example Jesus lived for us?  Allowing himself to be "sacrificed" in order to bring forth, resurrect, new life?  And what about the sweetness of wine after the grapes have been crushed?  And remember the parables of the seeds and how dropping a seed into the dark where it is crushed is the only way to bring forth the fruit it was designed to bear?

The past few years, working through all the images I had curated has been interesting to say the least.  I'm not sure if anyone else notices the difference when we are together but I sure do.  The anxiety I felt on the inside, the worring I did when I was in the presence of others, the wondering "am I good enough", "do I belong" has all but evaporated.  What's left is this sweet peace and confidence in knowing that no matter where I am, that's where I belong.  Comparrision, Competition and Not Measuring Up have been pushed to the back seat along with fear and doubt.  That doesn't mean they won't try to creap back to the front and even attempt to take the steering wheel, but now I'm more aware of what triggers their movement and what I need to do to take care of my Self.

I have no regrets on this journey.  It has been so incredible to witness the falling away of the old and the resurrecting of the new, over and over again.  I am amazed every time at what is revealed when I am willing to look deep into the dark.  The dark...that's where the stars shine the brightest, have you ever considered that?





 

Vulnerability

I listened to a podcast yesterday about nutrition wherein the woman being interviewed told a part of her story that she "seldom reveals" in her nutrition counseling with private clients or talks about publically on social media.  She admitted that she should include that part of her story more often because it is a key part of her journey.  As I listened to her speak, I automatically knew WHY she didn't share.  It's the same reason I don't share all of my thoughts here on this blog.  I write daily but seldom put my thoughts out here because I don't want to be judged, criticized or rejected because of what I write.

Vulnerability is something I talk about in my private conversations and it's something I practice on a regular basis with the people in my smaller circle of friends.  Opening ourselves up, sharing our deepest fears and intimate parts of ourselves can be so scary.  There are lots of questions looming about what others will say or think or conclude about us IF we put it all out there.

I want to be liked and loved and so I dance around what to write here because someone might not like what I have to say or may disagree or may think less of me if they "knew_______".   I don't blog more because of fear of rejection.  I say with my mouth that the approval of people doesn't control me but if I'm not writing because of what others might think or say about me behind my back, then I am being controlled by fear and the opinion of others.  I've been moving from my head to my heart to my body for a while now and it's been a difficult process.  As an Enneagram Type 6 I'm in my head ALOT and everything stays nice and neatly labeled and categorized in there.  But when it comes down to where the rubber meets the road and I need to move into my body and "practice what I preach" it becomes a whole nother animal...a big scary monster actually.

Part of living my true identity as a daughter of God involves being honest about how my life has been shaped by the experiences I've had along the way.  Some of those experiences have been extremely painful, some filled with joy but BOTH the pain and the joy have helped to shape what I believe about this life.  Not who I am, but what I believe and perceive about life here on this earth and how I live it.

 I am not this body, I am not my feelings or emotions.  The Body I live in is a shell that contains the soul of a beautiful daughter of God who desperately desires to be fully known and loved just as I am.  I am not what I do or what others have done to me.  Those experiences shaped my perception of life but they don't define me.  I am responsible for my behaviors but my behaviors do not label me as "Failure" or "Success" because we all experience BOTH of these scenarios.  Perception is a weird and crazy thing in this life.  Our perception of what it means to be a success or a failure is all jacked up. A friend told me recently I needed to throw the word failure out of my vocabulary.  For a recovering perfectionist who has believed for lots and lots of years that there is a "right" way to do things and a "wrong" way to do things, that is a tall order.  But I believe her advice is helpful.

Believing that there is a "perfect" or "right" way to live life creates LOTS of issues for myself and others. Division is caused when anyone doesn't live their life according to MY STANDARD or perception of right and wrong.  I "judge" them as less valuable instead of simply different and still worthy of love and acceptance and valuable in this life. That attitude places me ABOVE others on some days and BELOW them on others, depending on my actions.

I haven't quite figured out when and where these superior, I know what you need, let me tell you how to do it better, my faith practices are superior and here's why attitude came from. I don't need to identify when and where to see that it has permeated most of my life.  I will say that the places that I chose to worship affirmed this attitude over and over to varying degrees.  Affirming judgment as correct and even necessary to maintain a sense of order because God is a God of order, just doesn't jive with the reckless love of Jesus I read about in the Bible. 

So, here's to vulnerability, to saying what I think instead of shrinking back because someone I like or love might be "offended" if we don't agree.  Here's to diversity and beauty that cannot be contained in a box made of human hands.  Here's to a BIG God who loves EVERYONE regardless of how they come to him.  Here's getting it, not "getting it right".  Here's to finding your true Self, not the image created to maintain security and a following. Here's to REAL Worship not the worship of man or an image molded before your eyes that isn't really valuable to you at all.  Here's to thinking for yourself and following YOUR journey even when others don't agree.  Here's to living for an audience of ONE.

Question 1

Are shitty days real or simply a matter of perspective?

That's my question today.  

I'm not sure I have an answer right now.   

Now, in this moment, I'm angry, which by my own definition is a secondary emotion for pain or hurt.

Maybe today was just a hard day.  One of those days when it seems I am the target for the word arrows.  Maybe the arrows I felt aren't the words but the unspoken attitudes of frustration and disapproval that seem to accompany the words.  Maybe the inability to navigate this day's interactions with all the people is a result of my own skewed perceptions?

No matter the cause of what I'm experiencing in THIS moment, I am angry.

Right now, I'm going to sit in this emotion and allow it; without judgment, without trying to fix a single thing.

This is a new practice for me.  It's going to take some time to get used to allowing emotions that have been taboo to surface and linger without pushing them down or attempting to refocus my attention to something else that perhaps might possibly get me out of "my bad mood".

I hope as I practice making space for myself to just BE and feel whatever it is I'm feeling in the moment, I will be able to do the same for others.  I am acutely aware that I have not always allowed myself or others freedom and space to just sit in their pain without trying to "make it better".

So, for this day, I will not make a single attempt to change the way I feel.  I will feel and that is all.

Letters to Lisa {nombre un}

Dearest Lisa -

I see you.  You may not believe that anyone notices you, but I do.  I've seen you all along but only recently realized how important is it that I share my heart with you.  I have a couple things I'd like to say, since we're sisters and all.  I hope you'll be able to receive these words and not believe they are criticisms.  I truly offer them to you with love, out of a deep desire to see your life flourish.  I believe you're holding back, maybe you're afraid, maybe the lens you look through is clouded and you can't see clearly or maybe you don't believe you have what it takes to accomplish your goals, if you've really set any at this point in time.  Your life is very full with raising your girls, that takes lots of energy and I know you fret about whether you're doing a good job.  Let me assure you, you're doing a great job.  Your daughters are going to be fantastic, strong, competent women who give you the most lovely grand babies.  But let's not get off the subject at hand, there's plenty of time to talk about that later.

Here's the question.  Have you forgotten how to dream?  I'd like to make a few suggestions that might help you let go of all your own plans and just dream about what life might be if you quit trying so hard. What if you simply opened your hands to receive the next thing that came your way.  All your striving and trying to "get it right" might be keeping you from experiencing some really great things and some wonderful people.  What follows is a little list of how to get yourself in a position to dream again.

#1 - Just BE.  

Quit doing all the things for all the people so that they will need you and you will feel important because you're needed.  You are already important without doing one single thing.  You're value is not based on what you DO or how much you serve that organization or where you live or how much money you have or do not have or whether you're single, married, divorced, childless, working, non-working, schooling, not schooling.  Also, you are NOT an extension of your spouse.  You are an individual who is perfectly able to have a life that supports and builds up your spouse without diminishing who you were created to be.  And another thing, you are not an extension of your children and they are not extensions of you.  They are unique individuals who need to be allowed to follow their dreams apart from what Mom and/or Dad believes is good for them.  Caveat here...I'm not saying you give children free reign, you are to steward their lives not live vicariously through them.  Enjoy your children's successes but have some of your very own.

#2 - Think about what YOU need.
Self care.  I'm convinced you have no idea what this word even means.  It's more than just making sure you are clean and put together.  So, take some time to think about how to care for YOU.  Not just on the outside but on the inside too.  What helps you relax? What do you enjoy doing just for yourself?  I know this will be difficult because it's new and different but trust me, you will be a much happier human when you make intentional time to do something just for you. And, don't let anyone give you a guilt trip over the fact that you spend money and time on yourself.  (see #7 and exclude this person from your squad, immediately)

#3 - Get Outside
I don't mean go outside and DO something, like mow the grass or weed the flower bed.  This is also not getting outside to take a walk for exercise, no fast moving.  This is a time to BE in the great outdoors.  Enjoy the scenery.  Listen for the birds, look at the flowers, walk down the street and notice the sky, the sunset, the moon the stars.  If you must get in the car in order to escape responsibilities, do it.  You don't have to drive a hour away, go ten minutes to the nearest park or a different neighborhood.  Commune with nature a little, without any distraction. 

#4 - Journal
Write down EVERYTHING, not just the hard things.  Keep a little notebook beside your bed, when an idea drops into your heart write it down.  Don't ignore those little thoughts that just seem to pop up from no where.  They're coming to you from deep inside, from the Spirit of creativity, from the creator himself.  He knows you because he made you.  He's the one who knows what you should do next because he is the one who made the plans for your life way back even before you were born so take note, literally.  Also, write about all the funny/crazy things the girls do.  You think you'll remember them but believe me, that razor sharp memory doesn't last forever.

#5 - Have FUN.
You've gotten a little too serious.  I'm not sure if it's all the really hard things that seem to be a regular part of your life or the church affiliation you've chosen but you need to loosen up.  I think Jesus would agree.  I guarantee Jesus and the disciples sat around cutting up and enjoying life, not at the expense of others, mind you, but they had a good time.  And you know the Bible thumpers of his day didn't call him a wino because he was drinking grape juice.  Relax, have a glass of wine and enjoy an evening rocking on the porch.  Better yet, invite a friend over to join you, have some good conversation about nothing serious and enjoy the time being together, no agenda, just delight in the people you are.

#6 - Listen to your Inner Voice
You have a good intuitive nature and you are a smart woman.  Use your brain and make the decisions your gut is telling you to make instead of listening to what other people say.    You have everything you need in you to make the best decision for YOU.  No one else knows what is best for you, except you.  So, do whatever needs to be done to silence those people who question what you're doing.  For some reason we humans just love same...same thinking, same doing, same little rigid lines and tight boxes. We weren't created to be the same as anyone else, so simply be YOU.

#7 - Be a Cheerleader and Find some Cheerleaders
I know this will be difficult because there just aren't very many women who believe there's room for everyone.  Sad to say, a lot of women can't cheer for you because they don't want to see you accomplish what they won't try.  Of course they don't see it and neither do you, that's why I'm telling you.  When that competitive spirit lifts its ugly head, you need to squash it, kill it even.  There is room for everyone to do their thing and just because they're doing it over there doesn't mean you can't do it over here.  This life is BIG and out of the box and there's no need to compare or compete, both those things will keep you from the deep connection your heart craves.  Remember that, it's important.

I think seven suggestions is just the right number.  I hope you don't feel overwhelmed and that you'll remember that there is no practice makes perfect...that little lie will trip you up for a long time so listen to my voice, practice makes progress.  That's what we're after, progress not perfection.  Oh, and you're doing fine, just fine.  Every day, every minute every hour you are just fine, even though you don't feel fine. You're gonna make it.  (cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song)

I love you friend,
Lisa
xoxo

IF:

As I prepare to host our 5th IF: Local Gathering, I can't help but take a look back at all the other times we gathered women in our local area for a time of seeking God's face and asking ourselves questions about the ways we are spending our one life.  Every single year since the inception of IF, God has unfolded a little more of his plans for our lives, for our healing and freedom. 

February 8, 2014, the second day of the very first IF: Gathering is a day I won't soon forget.  Sitting on the floor of our church with a small group of 4 or 5 women I poured out my heart all broken and bleeding.  That day would have been my 29th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating those years of good and hard with flowers and a candle light dinner,  I was waiting for the mail carrier to deliver my Final Divorce Order.  That first IF: Gathering Saturday, our hearts joined as my friend prayed over me and asked God to meet me in the doubt and fear of what life would be going forward.  Raw, messy, transparent, vulnerable fear was met with kind, gracious, tender love and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to be known in such a rare and beautiful way.

There are three of us who attended that first gathering in 2014 who have continued to support, promote, and engage with women from different parts of the country who also have attended an IF event, whether that be the gathering in Austin, or Dallas or locally.  We are a sisterhood of freedom fighters who carry a torch that we pray ignites the whole world with love.  Each of us unique in our places, putting one foot in front of the other day in and day out realizing dreams God has placed in us and had planned for us from before we were born. Those good works that he had prepared and is causing to flourish as we simply join him where he is already at work spreading love and speaking welcome.

So this evening, as I prepare to light candles and heat up soup and place flowers on the table for my local sisters, I cannot help but smile to myself knowing there are hearts all over the globe that will be touched as women gather for a fifth IF: Gathering.  We are all connected, we are all different and we are all LOVED so very much just as we are right.this.moment. 

If you are not familiar with IF: Gathering but would like to be, click this link.  I can guarantee if you are willing to risk, God will meet you wherever you are with exactly what you need and you will be amazed over and over at His scandalous love for you and the tender ways he shows up to answer your questions or connect you to exactly what/who you need to take the next step toward living in freedom.

xoxo
Lisa

"What a difference a year makes".

"What a difference a year makes".  I hear that phrase spoken as a way of indicating how fast time passes.  12 Months, 365 days.  You blink and it seems the days of what used to be are gone, never to be relived.

The past year has been a kind of assessment for me.  A path of learning to slow down, to BE in the present instead of rushing on to the next thing and the next thing.  I haven't always lived my life with this much intention, focus, looking and feeling.  I lived quite a few years numb, unaware, unable to access deeper parts of who I really am.  I kept going and going because life was hard and parts of it were excruciatingly painful to navigate. 

My memories of when my children were younger are etched in my subconscious mind.  Some things I remember vividly and some, well, they seem to have all but vanished.  I say often that one of the reasons I can't remember some of the details is because I was always moving at break neck speed, never quiet, never still, never really present in the moment. 

 Details vary from individual to individual as to the causes for our fast paced living but the bottom line is ALWAYS the same, pain.  If we stop long enough and intentionally tune out every distraction, we have to BE WITH ourselves.  Quieting long enough to actually become aware of what you're feeling and then paying attention to what you do next is not something that happens automatically.  So many things vie for our time and attention and that doesn't include having a phone in your hand with contacts and pictures and blog posts.  There was no social media when I was raising my girls, but there were still numerous distractions.  There is always one more THING that needs to be DONE. 

This journey of discovery and healing and freedom, has been incredibly painful and incredibly beautiful and good at the same time.  Nothing is permanent.  Nothing lasts.  Life is always changing. 

A year ago today my family dynamic changed forever.  The picture below is what life looked like 26 years ago.  These little people were ages 2 and 4 and 4  They are cousins and best friends.  I have dozens and dozens of pictures just like this one, all three of "the girls" as we referred to them together somewhere doing something.  These girls laughed and screamed and didn't sleep and made messes and rode bikes and blew out candles and gathered Halloween candy and took pictures and did cheers.  Oh my...the memories go on and on.  I can't count the number of times I said "if you girls don't quiet down, I'm going to pull this van over and...  and I'd go back in a minute because it was all so beautiful.  I didn't see the beauty at the time, I was so overwhelmed with the details of getting things done that I missed parts of it. 

This year, I have intentionally chosen to sit with my grief and pain.  I've allowed the pain to shape me.  I've asked myself hard questions and I have cried tears and tears remembering so many things.  But, I am a better human for having lived the last year.  When the hard, painful losses come into our lives we make choices about our journey.  We can buck up, toughen up, keep on going and harden our hearts OR we can chose to FEEL what we're feeling.  It won't be easy.  It won't be neat or predictable.  But it will be Beautiful!

Always in our heart

Chasity Dawn Shingleton

2/26/88 - 1/28/17

Five Minute Friday: Need

Five Minute Friday is weekly link up where you free write on a particular word prompt for five minutes.  The prompt for this week is "Need".  Setting a timer, ready, go:

I have everything I need IN me.  I forget that.  I look around to the people in my life and wrongly believe that I don’t have what it takes, that I somehow NEED someone else to help me.  I think believing the truth that God IN me provides all I need and that I have what it takes to accomplish whatever task, is a truth many women struggle to live out in their daily lives.  Somewhere, way back when we were little girls, some of us were told explicitly or implicitly that we were needy, the “weaker” vessel.  For some that caused a rebellion and a mind set of “I’ll show you, I don’t NEED anyone” and for others it created the opposite effect.  I believe church culture has played part in overemphasizing the “weaker vessel” passages in the Bible and somehow it was translated in our minds as something negative.  Thus, we lost our way, believing we needed something outside ourselves to “complete us”.

Being needy isn’t all bad.  Needy helpers are THE BEST helpers.  Acknowledging my need for God is worship.  He loves for me to be dependent on him.  And, in truth, I am.  The fact that I am breathing, my heart is beating and I am a walking, talking, seeing, hearing individual is all due to my creator and his sustaining my existence.  I do NEED Him.  And I need other people as well.  I was created for relationship with God, myself and others.  To deny my need is to deny my humanity.

Remembering I have all I need inside me is something I’m practicing and I’m making good progress.  I’ll never be perfect at it, but no one is, so I’m in good company. 

 

Noticing

Reaching into the refrigerator for my creamer I felt a slight poke on my hip.  It was a scratchy kind of poke into the bare skin beneath my t-shirt.  As i looked to the place where I felt the scratching uncomfortable poke I noticed there was a leftover black plactic zip tie on the belt of my fanny pack.  I went to the drawer to retrieve scissors to cut the offending plastic away.

Normally, this very small segment of my morning coffee routine would not have brought any lingering thoughts, only make that poking go away.  As I slowed to notice, i felt a tender nudge to connect that 30 second poking moment to what life looks like lived in relationship with others.

Many times I feel a poke in my soul, a scratch of a passing comment or a stab in a relational interaction.  In the past I would dismiss these comments with the judgement that whoever made the comment must be having a bad day because what they said was just plain rude or unkind.  They should learn how to be nicer to people.

As God has been leading me to slow down, to look more carefully at the ways I feel poked or hurt by the words of others, I have begun to look at the reason behind my hurt.  Digging below the surface of the annoying black plastic to see exactly what is causing the uncomfortable feeling in my soul.  Once I have identified what, I then ask why.  Why do the same types of off hand comments cause my soul to shrink and squirm.

God is tender with my heart, always kind and Holy Spirit guides me down into the memories of my life to help make sense of the why.  It's not always easy work, this sanctification process of dying and being raised to new life.  But, Oh it is sweet to experience God working in me, my only HOPE of rescue.  He is daily rescuing me from all the little things that keep me from living in total and complete freedom in my relationship with Him, myself and others.

The next time you feel the scratchy black plastic of what you believe to be the unkind words of someone meant to push you down, take a moment to reflect on the situation, the words, the interaction and your hearts response to what was said or done.  These moments noticed can bring clarity to the WHYs your heart has continually asked throughout your life.

Be warned.  The slowing is not easy.  Our enemy will want you to race ahead, dismiss the scratch as someone's rudeness and push you to "the next thing".  This is one of his oldest tricks, keep us moving so we don't feel.  In all our busyness we can only grow in relationship with God when we slow down enough to hear his voice and notice what He desires us to see.  After all, God has left us a Helper, actually Jesus referred to Holy Spirit as a "better Helper".  Can you imagine a life lived with a better helper than walking this earth with Jesus?

We have such a helper.  Will you join me in slowing to hear God in You, the Hope of glory,whisper tender promptings leading to the root of the weed growing in your heart.  I can promise you, the rewards of this slowing, resting life will reap an abundance of fruit that will be sweet and satisfying.

Be STILL (not moving or making a sound, deep silence and calm) and KNOW that I am God.

Psalm 46.10

Learning to Rest {Part 1}

Consumer Relationship

Give = Get

Convenant Relationshp

Give = Nothing in return

Can  I do relationship this way?  Jesus does!

As I've thought about my relationships in the past, the way I related to the people I called my friends, I have been disappointed in what I found.  I have always desired a TRUE friend, I didn't have many of those.  I can remember calling my mom from my "christian" college and complaining that I didn't have a best friend, desiring to have someone to call BFF.

If I'm going to be honest, I didn't know how to be a friend.  I was always looking for something in return.  Seldom did I just enjoy the company of another person.  There was usually some type of transaction taking place.  Of course, at those times I didn't see how American consumerism had crept into my relationships.  I wanted affirmation, understanding, help, sometimes a listening ear.  I didn't really care about what the other person needed as long as I got what I needed.

I often wondered why other women seemed to have all these friends from high school and college but I didn't.  After all, I was a Christian and if anyone knew about being a good friend it was Jesus.  Of course, the brand of Christ follower I was didn't give much credence to the Jesus is Love message.  It was more about Jesus "saving" you.  I was supposed to be "an example".  Of what, I'm not even sure now.  But being a good example to other people puts a lot of pressure on a person.  As a result of what I believe was a misconstrued message I became whatever anyone needed me to be.  I helped people a lot and I helped a lot of people.  When the PTO needed a president, I was the first to volunteer.  Cheer Leader coach, pick me and then there was midget football treasurer and concession stand worker and you get the picture.  You let me help you with your thing and I get to be needed!  It was a win win in my estimation.  Except I was blind to how I was living.

At that time of my life I had no idea I was looking for love in all the wrong places.  I understood that concept as a wandering college drop out.  But as a married Mom of two school aged girls? I wasn't looking for love any longer.  I had a husband and a beautiful home and two great kids and a top of the line mini-van for crying out loud.  I also had lots and lots of activities to keep me busy.  I went so fast during those years that I can hardly remember the details.  I wasn't fully present in my own life, I was just passing through to the next appointed practice or performance or church activity.  None of those things are bad in and of themselves, it was just a way I became distracted and addicted.

Slowing down has been a difficult concept and a very gradual process.  Those fast paced patterns of living became so entrenched in my every day that going from school to practice to lesson to appointed weekly church service became a steady rhythm in my life.

Learning how to rest in God's love for me has been no small feat.  It's not something I could have ever accomplished in all my striving and performing and perfectionism.  God approves of me even in this season when I'm doing absolutely nothing very little.  I still go to my job every day but I've pulled away from almost every other commitment and activity for the most part.  I'm not even a member of a church (gasp) and I don't feel the need to go to a service unless God directs me to do so.  I'm learning REST.  It's going to take more than just a blog post to conquer this sitting with myself, sitting with the desires I have for community and waiting for God to give me what HE desires me to have.

What I've learned so far is that God is good, He loves my questions, He isn't afraid of my doubt, He is faithful to provide and He will never be disappointed in me no matter what decision I make.  People who see me pulling away may not understand and may, as I often have, make judgments based on their limited understanding of my current situation.  I'm okay with that.  What I'm not okay with is continuing to live the remainder of the time I have here on this earth, running at break neck pace to do the next thing that I'm hoping will earn me the love I already have simply by being me.  I'm learning to a new rhythm, rest!

If you happen to stumble upon this spilling of words and something here resonates within your heart, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  By no means do I have anything figured out in this area, it's all trial and error here and I'd love some company if you're so inclined.