My Cisa Name

Monday, November 12, 2018


It's November as I write these words on a cold, sunny Sunday.  I'm up early with coffee and lengthy phrases swirling in my head.  I come to my usual spot to think and meditate and happen to glance to the left instead of the right as I get myself situated on my yoga mat.  I grab my mug of chocolatey caffeine goodness and the view outside my second story window reveals the most wonderful golden orange colors on the tree to the left.  Just last week I  took a picture of a tree from the same window but from a slightly different perspective.  That photo showed a tree barren of it's color, all of the beautiful red leaves were gone.  All had dropped in a wind storm and the tree was now completely bare, brown and, in my opinion, sad. I longed for more colorful Fall beauty.

It was no accident that I should see the lovely golden orange colors of another tree simply because I was seated at a different angle.  When I saw the beauty of those leaves, my mind immediately went to the bare tree just a few feet away and how I had longed for more and felt the ever present pang of never enough.

God has been so gracious to remind me over and over that I live in a new way, an abundant life.  I live in the kingdom being formed by the One who is enough, who promises his children will be blessed and is leading them into the Promised Land.

I am thankful today as I sit and ponder how He shows up over and over, reminding us that He sees and cares.  The provision might seem ordinary and of little insignificace to some but these reminders of his New Covenant of Love and constant presence cause my soul to sing.  The "withness" that I long for is always available.  I simply need to slow and notice God speaking love to me in the unique and tender way that resonates deeply in my heart.  Today, that experience is noticing a tree and hearing whispers of hope and love.  "See, there are more leaves, there is more than enough, there is plenty!"

I could continue to look longingly at the former tree that had lost all its leaves or I could enjoy another view, a different perspective.  The different view was a picture of hope to my somewhat always anticipating the loss self.  There are roots to this negative perspective that I seem to fight on a regular basis, but I'm doing the work. I'm pulling out the weed roots and have planted lots of positive seeds in my heart garden.

As I slow and listen and just be with myself and God, he reminds me of these things.  His whisper of abundance and always enough rings out as I sit and ponder where I've been and all the small and big ways He has led me out of the desert.  There have been many Red Sea Roads on my journey from scarcity to abundance.  This freedom song my heart sings has been a hard fought battle with old ways, negative thought patterns and a body that continues to be challenged to move through life remembering that I am a new creation and the old is passing away.  No longer a slave to the law, no longer dependent on the blood of goats and lambs, no longer wandering in a wilderness but living in the lush green pastures of the Promised Land.  A land flowing with milk and honey and every sweet thing my heart longs for.  I simply need to slow down long enough to taste and see.  Knowing about God is not the same as experiencing God's unique love in my small every day moments.  Doctrine and dogma never caused me to feel or live as if I were loved.  Noticing the leaves on the tree this morning does.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018


My niece is getting married on November 4 which is just a couple of weeks away.  She is my brother's middle daughter.  I received a save the date magnet but I have yet to receive my personal invitation to her wedding.  She actually texted to ask my new address because I moved this summer so I was expecting to get my Official Invite in the snail mail.  I've gone to the mail box on a regular basis over the past several weeks, nothing.  I even called the local post office to see if perhaps some of my mail had gotten stuck at the post office.  Maybe the postal carrier thinks no one lives in my house.  I finally got a wreath on the door, a welcome mat and some mums out so surely when he/she passes by my residence they know someone lives there.  But so far no Invitation.

This wedding is a celebration and I know I'm invited to participate because I am, after all, the Father of the Bride's sister.  But there's nigling thought in the back of my mind that says until I receive the "Official Invite", I'm not really invited.

Have you ever felt that?  Knowing you're a part of the family and welcome to participate but deeply desiring an official invitation to join the celebration of life happening outside the four walls of your safe and cozy box?

When I observe the beauty evident in other humans showing up and the unique ways they are making art and offering that creative part of themselves to the world, I look back at myself and fear I am not enough.  I believe that my particular uniquness is boring, plain, simple, uninteresting.  I don't feel at all welcomed or invited, I feel inadequate.

I want to share my heart with people, right here in this small space on the blogesphere and outside the four walls of this computer screen.  You know what stops me?  Lies.  Perfection and Fear of Failure (two sides of the same coin).  Believing that no one really wants what I have to offer.  Showing up can be terrifying.  When you put yourself and your work out into the world you take a big risk of being evaluated, critiqued, judged and possibly rejected...yuck!

Moving from believing truth in my head to actually living in the free spaces is probably the most challenging part of this healing journey.  It's incredibly frustrating to know in your head that you're standing in your own way but not see with enough clarity or understand what it means physically to move. 

I'm a visionary, a top down thinker and identify most closely with the head triad of the Enneagram.  Translation:  I'm stuck in my head envisioning all these beautiful things and I don't have a clue how to move forward.  I get lost in all those details and then never make it to the end goal.  Becoming aware of these tendencies in myself has been extremely helpful.  I know I need an administrative type person to help me navigate the details and hold my feet to the fire. 

Since I know I need a plan as well as accountability and prefer to have a team atmosphere, the most logical solution was to gather some people.  So, I hired a life coach.  Outside of paying to see a counselor, this has been one of the best investments I've made thus far.  Karen brings a fresh perspective to my situations.  She isn't emotionally or physically invested in any decision I make so she is completely impartial and unbiased.  She listens and helps me process and together we come up with a plan to implement that will move me forward toward the goals we've identified.  And I was pleasantly suprised at the rates for a life coach, very manageable. 

Change requires us to identify the work that needs to be done and then move towards it.  If you have a desire, God has placed that in your heart so that you can reflect his beauty to all the other humans who are also invited.  Won't you join me?  The road can be rocky, but we have everything we need in us to do the work, we just have to decide that we're worth it!  And whether you believe that your not, you are! 

If you've happened upon this blog post and resonated with any of the things I've written here, I hope you will believe me when I say, "You're Invited".  Please consider this your official invite to get out of your comfortable box, spend a little money if you need to, and offer your unique beauty to the world around you, at your work place, in your neighborhood.  And if your first response upon reading that sentence was "I can't", here's your first assignment, should you choose to accept it:  Repeat after me, "I CAN". 

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song, because music is a form of art and these words are beautiful and helpful.  I hope they encourage you wherever you are to take one step out. 

I Hope You'll Dance
Songwriters: Tia Sillers / Mark Sanders
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)
I hope you dance
I hope you dance (Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance (Where those years have gone?)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder?)

Wednesday, August 29, 2018


Two people, two persons to blame.  Is that a perception in most cases where a marriage disolves?  Seems like if there are two people in the relationship, there are two people who bear the responsibility of maintaining the relationship.  It's sad to me that often one person is left feeling as if he/she failed in some way to keep it together.  Could the phrase "it is what it is" apply?

Moving through a divorce was NOT a part of my plan, ever.  I had every intention of my marriage being "till death do us part".  I believe when we said our vows before God and the minister in 1985 my ex-husband was of the same mind.  Divorce wasn't his plan either.  However, our ideas of what "happily ever after" looked like were very different, we just weren't aware of that difference at that point.

I remember when I first became acquainted with my ex-husband's family.  They were the ones who lived in the two story white house with black shutters complete with a white picket fence.  Their well maintained yard was where lots of neighborhood kids congreated in the 60's and 70's to play football or basketball or spot light.  His dad was the President of the bank in our small town. I remember going there with my mother as a little girl and this kind man giving my brother and I a stick of Doublemint gum.  Those were the days, am I right?

My perception of the "perfect family" was, of course, not real.  But the picture painted in my mind's eye was the life I dreamed of having one day when I "found Mr. Right".  Can you hear where this is going?  I was young and niave and looking for a deep need to be met outside of myself.  I was all kinds of messy human looking to connect to the opposite of my too dependent self and, guess what, that's what I found.  The energy I was putting out into the world attracted my opposite in every possible unhealthy way.

Back when I was chewing gum from the kind bank president, I could not even imagine him being my father-in-law, it just wasn't even a possibility, until it was.  Fast forward 10 or 12 years and I'm there, except I never "felt" there.  Does that make any sense?  If I've lost you, maybe just quit reading right now because I'm not sure this is for you. :)  I had the last name and all the people connected to it and eventually I even ended up LIVING in the big white house (sans the picket fence), but it wasn't enough.  Why?  Because I didn't believe I was enough, among other things.

The image is never enough because the image is just that, an image.  It isn't real.  The image in my Cinderella dream wasn't real, the image of the perfect family wasn't real and the image put forth before we were married, wasn't real.  The only way to discover real is to connect to real and that wasn't a possibility for either of us because neither of us really knew WHO we were, apart from the image.

So much of our human culture is posturing this curated image of who we believe we need to be or are supposed to be in order to get what we want; love, acceptance, value. This posturing begins early in childhood as we create ways of belonging  in our families of origin. Then throw us into a wider culture of other humans in schools and neighborhoods and the image building continues into adulthood.

So, what should we do about the image?  Crush it or allow it fall away as it begins to crumble?  I don't know many people who want to willingly submit themselves to "crushing" because we all know that crushing involves pain.  We tend to avoid anything painful and certainly aren't excited to place ourselves (our curated image) on an alter to be crushed.  But isn't that the example Jesus lived for us?  Allowing himself to be "sacrificed" in order to bring forth, resurrect, new life?  And what about the sweetness of wine after the grapes have been crushed?  And remember the parables of the seeds and how dropping a seed into the dark where it is crushed is the only way to bring forth the fruit it was designed to bear?

The past few years, working through all the images I had curated has been interesting to say the least.  I'm not sure if anyone else notices the difference when we are together but I sure do.  The anxiety I felt on the inside, the worring I did when I was in the presence of others, the wondering "am I good enough", "do I belong" has all but evaporated.  What's left is this sweet peace and confidence in knowing that no matter where I am, that's where I belong.  Comparrision, Competition and Not Measuring Up have been pushed to the back seat along with fear and doubt.  That doesn't mean they won't try to creap back to the front and even attempt to take the steering wheel, but now I'm more aware of what triggers their movement and what I need to do to take care of my Self.

I have no regrets on this journey.  It has been so incredible to witness the falling away of the old and the resurrecting of the new, over and over again.  I am amazed every time at what is revealed when I am willing to look deep into the dark.  The dark...that's where the stars shine the brightest, have you ever considered that?


Monday, August 6, 2018


I listened to a podcast yesterday about nutrition wherein the woman being interviewed told a part of her story that she "seldom reveals" in her nutrition counseling with private clients or talks about publically on social media.  She admitted that she should include that part of her story more often because it is a key part of her journey.  As I listened to her speak, I automatically knew WHY she didn't share.  It's the same reason I don't share all of my thoughts here on this blog.  I write daily but seldom put my thoughts out here because I don't want to be judged, criticized or rejected because of what I write.

Vulnerability is something I talk about in my private conversations and it's something I practice on a regular basis with the people in my smaller circle of friends.  Opening ourselves up, sharing our deepest fears and intimate parts of ourselves can be so scary.  There are lots of questions looming about what others will say or think or conclude about us IF we put it all out there.

I want to be liked and loved and so I dance around what to write here because someone might not like what I have to say or may disagree or may think less of me if they "knew_______".   I don't blog more because of fear of rejection.  I say with my mouth that the approval of people doesn't control me but if I'm not writing because of what others might think or say about me behind my back, then I am being controlled by fear and the opinion of others.  I've been moving from my head to my heart to my body for a while now and it's been a difficult process.  As an Enneagram Type 6 I'm in my head ALOT and everything stays nice and neatly labeled and categorized in there.  But when it comes down to where the rubber meets the road and I need to move into my body and "practice what I preach" it becomes a whole nother animal...a big scary monster actually.

Part of living my true identity as a daughter of God involves being honest about how my life has been shaped by the experiences I've had along the way.  Some of those experiences have been extremely painful, some filled with joy but BOTH the pain and the joy have helped to shape what I believe about this life.  Not who I am, but what I believe and perceive about life here on this earth and how I live it.

 I am not this body, I am not my feelings or emotions.  The Body I live in is a shell that contains the soul of a beautiful daughter of God who desperately desires to be fully known and loved just as I am.  I am not what I do or what others have done to me.  Those experiences shaped my perception of life but they don't define me.  I am responsible for my behaviors but my behaviors do not label me as "Failure" or "Success" because we all experience BOTH of these scenarios.  Perception is a weird and crazy thing in this life.  Our perception of what it means to be a success or a failure is all jacked up. A friend told me recently I needed to throw the word failure out of my vocabulary.  For a recovering perfectionist who has believed for lots and lots of years that there is a "right" way to do things and a "wrong" way to do things, that is a tall order.  But I believe her advice is helpful.

Believing that there is a "perfect" or "right" way to live life creates LOTS of issues for myself and others. Division is caused when anyone doesn't live their life according to MY STANDARD or perception of right and wrong.  I "judge" them as less valuable instead of simply different and still worthy of love and acceptance and valuable in this life. That attitude places me ABOVE others on some days and BELOW them on others, depending on my actions.

I haven't quite figured out when and where these superior, I know what you need, let me tell you how to do it better, my faith practices are superior and here's why attitude came from. I don't need to identify when and where to see that it has permeated most of my life.  I will say that the places that I chose to worship affirmed this attitude over and over to varying degrees.  Affirming judgment as correct and even necessary to maintain a sense of order because God is a God of order, just doesn't jive with the reckless love of Jesus I read about in the Bible. 

So, here's to vulnerability, to saying what I think instead of shrinking back because someone I like or love might be "offended" if we don't agree.  Here's to diversity and beauty that cannot be contained in a box made of human hands.  Here's to a BIG God who loves EVERYONE regardless of how they come to him.  Here's getting it, not "getting it right".  Here's to finding your true Self, not the image created to maintain security and a following. Here's to REAL Worship not the worship of man or an image molded before your eyes that isn't really valuable to you at all.  Here's to thinking for yourself and following YOUR journey even when others don't agree.  Here's to living for an audience of ONE.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Question 1

Are shitty days real or simply a matter of perspective?

That's my question today.  

I'm not sure I have an answer right now.   

Now, in this moment, I'm angry, which by my own definition is a secondary emotion for pain or hurt.

Maybe today was just a hard day.  One of those days when it seems I am the target for the word arrows.  Maybe the arrows I felt aren't the words but the unspoken attitudes of frustration and disapproval that seem to accompany the words.  Maybe the inability to navigate this day's interactions with all the people is a result of my own skewed perceptions?

No matter the cause of what I'm experiencing in THIS moment, I am angry.

Right now, I'm going to sit in this emotion and allow it; without judgment, without trying to fix a single thing.

This is a new practice for me.  It's going to take some time to get used to allowing emotions that have been taboo to surface and linger without pushing them down or attempting to refocus my attention to something else that perhaps might possibly get me out of "my bad mood".

I hope as I practice making space for myself to just BE and feel whatever it is I'm feeling in the moment, I will be able to do the same for others.  I am acutely aware that I have not always allowed myself or others freedom and space to just sit in their pain without trying to "make it better".

So, for this day, I will not make a single attempt to change the way I feel.  I will feel and that is all.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Letters to Lisa {nombre un}

Dearest Lisa -

I see you.  You may not believe that anyone notices you, but I do.  I've seen you all along but only recently realized how important is it that I share my heart with you.  I have a couple things I'd like to say, since we're sisters and all.  I hope you'll be able to receive these words and not believe they are criticisms.  I truly offer them to you with love, out of a deep desire to see your life flourish.  I believe you're holding back, maybe you're afraid, maybe the lens you look through is clouded and you can't see clearly or maybe you don't believe you have what it takes to accomplish your goals, if you've really set any at this point in time.  Your life is very full with raising your girls, that takes lots of energy and I know you fret about whether you're doing a good job.  Let me assure you, you're doing a great job.  Your daughters are going to be fantastic, strong, competent women who give you the most lovely grand babies.  But let's not get off the subject at hand, there's plenty of time to talk about that later.

Here's the question.  Have you forgotten how to dream?  I'd like to make a few suggestions that might help you let go of all your own plans and just dream about what life might be if you quit trying so hard. What if you simply opened your hands to receive the next thing that came your way.  All your striving and trying to "get it right" might be keeping you from experiencing some really great things and some wonderful people.  What follows is a little list of how to get yourself in a position to dream again.

#1 - Just BE.  
Quit doing all the things for all the people so that they will need you and you will feel important because you're needed.  You are already important without doing one single thing.  You're value is not based on what you DO or how much you serve that organization or where you live or how much money you have or do not have or whether you're single, married, divorced, childless, working, non-working, schooling, not schooling.  Also, you are NOT an extension of your spouse.  You are an individual who is perfectly able to have a life that supports and builds up your spouse without diminishing who you were created to be.  And another thing, you are not an extension of your children and they are not extensions of you.  They are unique individuals who need to be allowed to follow their dreams apart from what Mom and/or Dad believes is good for them.  Caveat here...I'm not saying you give children free reign, you are to steward their lives not live vicariously through them.  Enjoy your children's successes but have some of your very own.

#2 - Think about what YOU need.
Self care.  I'm convinced you have no idea what this word even means.  It's more than just making sure you are clean and put together.  So, take some time to think about how to care for YOU.  Not just on the outside but on the inside too.  What helps you relax? What do you enjoy doing just for yourself?  I know this will be difficult because it's new and different but trust me, you will be a much happier human when you make intentional time to do something just for you. And, don't let anyone give you a guilt trip over the fact that you spend money and time on yourself.  (see #7 and exclude this person from your squad, immediately)

#3 - Get Outside
I don't mean go outside and DO something, like mow the grass or weed the flower bed.  This is also not getting outside to take a walk for exercise, no fast moving.  This is a time to BE in the great outdoors.  Enjoy the scenery.  Listen for the birds, look at the flowers, walk down the street and notice the sky, the sunset, the moon the stars.  If you must get in the car in order to escape responsibilities, do it.  You don't have to drive a hour away, go ten minutes to the nearest park or a different neighborhood.  Commune with nature a little, without any distraction. 

#4 - Journal
Write down EVERYTHING, not just the hard things.  Keep a little notebook beside your bed, when an idea drops into your heart write it down.  Don't ignore those little thoughts that just seem to pop up from no where.  They're coming to you from deep inside, from the Spirit of creativity, from the creator himself.  He knows you because he made you.  He's the one who knows what you should do next because he is the one who made the plans for your life way back even before you were born so take note, literally.  Also, write about all the funny/crazy things the girls do.  You think you'll remember them but believe me, that razor sharp memory doesn't last forever.

#5 - Have FUN.
You've gotten a little too serious.  I'm not sure if it's all the really hard things that seem to be a regular part of your life or the church affiliation you've chosen but you need to loosen up.  I think Jesus would agree.  I guarantee Jesus and the disciples sat around cutting up and enjoying life, not at the expense of others, mind you, but they had a good time.  And you know the Bible thumpers of his day didn't call him a wino because he was drinking grape juice.  Relax, have a glass of wine and enjoy an evening rocking on the porch.  Better yet, invite a friend over to join you, have some good conversation about nothing serious and enjoy the time being together, no agenda, just delight in the people you are.

#6 - Listen to your Inner Voice
You have a good intuitive nature and you are a smart woman.  Use your brain and make the decisions your gut is telling you to make instead of listening to what other people say.    You have everything you need in you to make the best decision for YOU.  No one else knows what is best for you, except you.  So, do whatever needs to be done to silence those people who question what you're doing.  For some reason we humans just love same...same thinking, same doing, same little rigid lines and tight boxes. We weren't created to be the same as anyone else, so simply be YOU.

#7 - Be a Cheerleader and Find some Cheerleaders
I know this will be difficult because there just aren't very many women who believe there's room for everyone.  Sad to say, a lot of women can't cheer for you because they don't want to see you accomplish what they won't try.  Of course they don't see it and neither do you, that's why I'm telling you.  When that competitive spirit lifts its ugly head, you need to squash it, kill it even.  There is room for everyone to do their thing and just because they're doing it over there doesn't mean you can't do it over here.  This life is BIG and out of the box and there's no need to compare or compete, both those things will keep you from the deep connection your heart craves.  Remember that, it's important.

I think seven suggestions is just the right number.  I hope you don't feel overwhelmed and that you'll remember that there is no practice makes perfect...that little lie will trip you up for a long time so listen to my voice, practice makes progress.  That's what we're after, progress not perfection.  Oh, and you're doing fine, just fine.  Every day, every minute every hour you are just fine, even though you don't feel fine. You're gonna make it.  (cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song)

I love you friend,

Friday, February 9, 2018


As I prepare to host our 5th IF: Local Gathering, I can't help but take a look back at all the other times we gathered women in our local area for a time of seeking God's face and asking ourselves questions about the ways we are spending our one life.  Every single year since the inception of IF, God has unfolded a little more of his plans for our lives, for our healing and freedom. 

February 8, 2014, the second day of the very first IF: Gathering is a day I won't soon forget.  Sitting on the floor of our church with a small group of 4 or 5 women I poured out my heart all broken and bleeding.  That day would have been my 29th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating those years of good and hard with flowers and a candle light dinner,  I was waiting for the mail carrier to deliver my Final Divorce Order.  That first IF: Gathering Saturday, our hearts joined as my friend prayed over me and asked God to meet me in the doubt and fear of what life would be going forward.  Raw, messy, transparent, vulnerable fear was met with kind, gracious, tender love and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to be known in such a rare and beautiful way.

There are three of us who attended that first gathering in 2014 who have continued to support, promote, and engage with women from different parts of the country who also have attended an IF event, whether that be the gathering in Austin, or Dallas or locally.  We are a sisterhood of freedom fighters who carry a torch that we pray ignites the whole world with love.  Each of us unique in our places, putting one foot in front of the other day in and day out realizing dreams God has placed in us and had planned for us from before we were born. Those good works that he had prepared and is causing to flourish as we simply join him where he is already at work spreading love and speaking welcome.

So this evening, as I prepare to light candles and heat up soup and place flowers on the table for my local sisters, I cannot help but smile to myself knowing there are hearts all over the globe that will be touched as women gather for a fifth IF: Gathering.  We are all connected, we are all different and we are all LOVED so very much just as we are right.this.moment. 

If you are not familiar with IF: Gathering but would like to be, click this link.  I can guarantee if you are willing to risk, God will meet you wherever you are with exactly what you need and you will be amazed over and over at His scandalous love for you and the tender ways he shows up to answer your questions or connect you to exactly what/who you need to take the next step toward living in freedom.


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