What is a Friend?

In light of a conversation I had this week with a sweet young woman, I'm posting something I wrote a while back, April, to be exact.  I have no idea WHY I didn't publish it at that time, but here it is...

When I was growing up, in school and as a child, I didn't have what I would define as a "best friend".  As time passed, in college, still no "best friend".  No girls with whom I shared secrets and the deepest things in my heart.  I don't think I was the easiest person to get to know actually.  I think I may have been inapproachable at times.  On the outside, where everyone looks first, I seemed all put together.  But on the inside, where not many venture to go if you look "okay" on the outside (that means you're pretty or thin and don't seem to have many outward flaws) I was so very insecure. I had no idea who I really was and as a result I could not totally open my heart. I couldn't allow anyone to know what was really there, fear, doubt, insecurities...they would use it against me some how, I was sure.  I always desired that intimate friend, that soul mate but it never really materialized back then.  I'll never forget finally realizing at one point that my mother was the closest thing to a best friend I had.  But, as we all feel, there are just some things you don't want to share with your mother. :o)

What is it about opening our hearts, becoming vulnerable that presents us with a sense of having to protect ourselves, put up walls to keep people from finding out who we really are? What keeps us from being HONEST about our failures especially.  I know what it is, you do to...its FEAR!  Fear of REJECTION...thinking that IF someone knows what I really think and feel or what I've done or what's happened to me, they will not ACCEPT me.  They will pull away because I am such a failure, I won't measure up to what they think I am based on what they see on the outside.  Their IMAGE of me will be shattered.

Images are funny things, they're just that, an image...they are not the genuine article, they are just a reflection of PART of what something or someone really is.  There is no depth to an image, it's flat and empty and void of real meaning.

I'll never forget revealing a part of my fallenness to a friend.  Her response was not judgmental or harsh but a question "You don't really feel that way, do you"?  She was disappointed that I was revealing to her that I was a scoundrel, a sinner and capable of thinking and feeling some pretty rotten things.  But still, it was a rejection!  Her "image" of me was being destroyed by the truth of who I really was on the inside.  I purposely revealed these things because I felt she had built me up to be something I was not, at least apart of Christ.  She didn't seem understand that it wasn't ME that she was seeing but Christ at work in me.  We are dirty rotten scoundrels all, that should be understood.  Paul quotes from the Old Testament in Romans 3:

“None is righteous, no, not one;
¹¹ no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
¹² All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”

So how do we endeavor to achieve these heart relationships?  What does a good friend look like?  How do we become a good friend to another person and what do we seek in return? 

GRACE is the underpinning of being a friend.  

Are you, am I, being a true friend?

  Read the definition below and do a little self-examination.  This is good stuff!!

My true friends are the ones who love me deeply despite my flaws

but also have a clear view of those flaws.

They’re the ones who don’t shrink back from telling the truth

but who stir love, kindness and gentleness into those hard words.

They’re the ones who will give me grace and the benefit of the doubt on my bad days

but shut the lights and close the doors on extended pity parties.

They’re the ones committed to do life with me even when it’s messy,

but they bring Fantastic along for the ride.

They’re the ones who will celebrate my successes

and mourn my defeats right by my side.

And I do the same for them.





Introducing My Friends (notice it's plural)

wow, it's been a VERY LONG TIME since I posted anything here.  two months.  that's downright unacceptable. as i contemplate the reason(s) for this lack of diligence on my part, a miriad of things have crowded in and crowded out my blogging.  maybe just good 'ole procrastination, or lack of time or lack of meaningful things to say...not this girl, not really, not ever.  i'm a talker from way back and can ALWAYS find something interesting and meaningful (if only in my mind) to flap my jaws about.  maybe it's the incessant  barking of a certain dog, who shall remain nameless, that has interrupted my concentration, like just now!!

where was i, oh, WHY i haven't been keeping this up.  well since april 12th, we've experienced two birthdays, a college graduation, the death of a significant family member, two different trips to florida, a move for the firstborn daughter and this weekend a move for the the baby daughter.  whew, i'm tired just thinking about it.

as i re-read the post from april about friendship, my thoughts went to the events of today.  i had lunch with one long-time friend, an unexpected visit from another long-time friend and then dinner with a rather new friend whom i hope will end up becoming a fast friend.  

the two "long time" friends share the not only the same name but also married men with the same name (how weird).  These two Debbies (blonde haired D and dark haired D) are my sister/friends and our lives have been intertwined in varying degrees for the last 25 years.  we've watched our children grow up, go off and get married and have babies (well Deb S is still waiting, but soon), enjoyed beach trips (just moms and kids), moved houses, built houses, lost husbands, married again, talked and laughed

and shared and cried and just done life together.

 although there have been periods of time when we have only

been in contact with one another sporatically, we still remain friends.

there is a loyalty and understanding even when communication is not constant or consistent that we are "there".  we don't have to talk or e-mail every.single.day and no one feels slighted if we don't.  when we get "back together" as one D put it, we take up right where we left off and

 it's better than ever.

my love for these ladies has lasted and grown over the past years.  i am very thankful and blessed to have these women in my life.  they've been to me what i desired as a young women and thought 

i didn't have.  in all actuality, i was unknowingly

cultivating two friendships that would last not only through

the ups and downs of my life here on this earth, but throughout eternity.

i not only have one best friend, i have two women

with the same first name who have shared

a treasured spot in my heart for over one-half of my adult life!

they are gifts of God's grace to me!

women of integrity, courage and a desire to live

life in a way that demonstrates the power of 

God's grace in their lives on a daily basis. 

here's to another 25 years!  at that time we can join the

red hat society and get together for tea parties or 

whatever those ladies do when they don those red hats.

p.s. i want a red hat with a feather ; )